As I get older (1) I find myself judging others more harshly… especially during a first conversation. Which is funny, because throughout my life I’ve prided myself on being open-minded and leaving a positive first impression.
Recently with just a few negative signals I have a greater tendency to A) consider the person a moron, and B) try to promptly exit the conversation.
Surely this combination of being quick to both judge and exit hasn’t ingratiated me to some, but subconsciously the time/effort savings outweighs a long and boring discussion.
If I break down my first interactions over the past year they would broadly result in the distribution below (2):
The Switcheroo
Something strange has been happening recently. If I interact a second time with someone I initially strongly dislike, I tend to be completely wrong and end up strongly liking them…
Late last year I met a US VC at a European tech conference. Long story short I considered him to be a typical arrogant American and I ended up actively hating his guts.
A few months later I met the same US VC again, spent some 1-1 time getting to know him and his perspective, and ended up strongly liking the guy.
The same thing happened twice recently with people I’ve met in London – a strongly negative first impression, months later a chance second interaction, and now I not only respect the person – but both have becoming good friends!
I hope I hate them?
My complete love/hate flip-flops have occurred often enough that I (strangely) now look forward to a strong initial dislike. Yes some people are jerks I’ll never enjoy. Yet if a high percentage of strong dislikes are likely to convert into good friends, to me that’s a good investment of time.
These thoughts leave me wondering:
1) Is there a correlation between my flip flops and the relationship advice “the more you love someone the greater they can hurt you?”
2) What are ways I can improve my ability to defer judgement and quickly understand someone’s perspective?
3) How does the time between first and second meetings affect my flip flopping?
4) Of my initial strong dislikes, how many also dislike me? And is their feeling toward me correlated with me flip flopping?
Overall the lessons I need to remind myself often are to keep an open mind, continue meeting LOTS of interesting people, and make every attempt to understand the perspective of others.
If you have any advice or tactics on the above, I’m all ears!
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(1) I’m 31, so not that old
(2) Despite my increase in harshly judging, I’m lucky to have a positive outlook that still results in a positive impression of 95% of the people I meet.
About Andy Shannon
